Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
