Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
