whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
