Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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