im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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