I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
