can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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