The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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