Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
