Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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