hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
