I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
