Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
