fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
