someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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