sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
