I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
