I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
