I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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