Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
