i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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