I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize