I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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