He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
