sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
