Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize