This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
FUCK WHALES
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
