I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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