I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
