life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We left the knife in your bed.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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