sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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