CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
