Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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