i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
