This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
