She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize