One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
