On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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