So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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