Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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