I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
