my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
