I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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