you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
