I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
