Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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