The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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