I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
