Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
