His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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