he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
