So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
