did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
