I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize