I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
