Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
