he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
