He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize