My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Someone shattered a urinal.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
