6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
