I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
