i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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