I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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