I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
